by Brian Costello
"A Maximumrocknroll Guest Column I Never Quite Got Around to Sending"
Hi folks: my name is Brian Costello, but please: call me Anonymous Goy. Thank you. Cause: That's what I am. Everywhere I go, nobody knows The Real Me. I'm a Gentile, and I'm a punk rocker. Sometimes, it's not easy being a goy punk rocker. That's why I want to write this column, so's I can present to you, the discerning MRR reader, a somewhat different perspective on what it's like being a gentile punk rocker, from a gentile punk rocker's point of view, because I know all of you out there care about what I, the self-appointed spokesperson for all gentile punk rockers have to say about the world in which we live.
As a "goy" punk rocker, I've observed many profound insights about our society. Would you like to read some? Of course you would! Cause: I'm a victim; ergo, I'm an insightful columnist! Just because I eat unkosher food, doesn't mean I have nothing to contribute to our society! Just ask Ian MacKaye! Here: Take a look at just a mere sample of the thoughts sticking in my Unjewish craw:
1. I think child abuse is very very bad. Now, I know, I know: there are people out there doing child abuse, but that doesn't make it right. I think, in my humble opinion, that it needs to stop. Thank you.
2. I'm an anarchist, and that's why you should all write to your congresspersons and tell them that it's not right to discriminate against people just because they're different. The government shouldn't allow this to happen. It's unconstitutional. Thank you.
3. I went to Chicago? For a music festival? It was, like, awesome? Totally? Except? There was this one guy? He was the so-called MC? He used the word "faggot" all the time? And that's innately bad? He must be a homophobe? I just think that's wrong. Thank you.
4. Did you know that I like to eat pork? I don't expect all of you to eat pork like I do (especially all you non-goys), but I think it's yummy. You should respect my decision to eat pork, even if you don't do the same. Thank you.
5. One time? A girl broke up with me? And I was really sad? I wrote a song about it? I called it "Girl, I Miss You So Much." I rhymed "much" with "touch." Isn't that cool? My friends called it "very post-emotive."
6. Now, I know everybody doesn't agree with me on this, but, I just want to say that I think George W. Bush is icky. Thank you.
7. I'm an anarchist, and that's why I wish the United Nations did more to contain the spread of AIDS. Like, that's an epidemic, ya know? Thank you.
8. Don't you just hate the Rolling Stones? I mean: They're so old! They should just retire already! I mean: get over it! God!
9. Everybody talks about how "our scene is the best!" Well...maybe all the scenes are good for what they are, and instead of acting like your scene is better than the others, maybe you should reach out across to other scenes so you make friends instead of enemies. Did you ever think of that? It's like what 7 Seconds once said: "Walk together. Rock together." Thank you.
10. Horizontal Action is sexist. I mean, I'm just some goyim who doesn't wear a yamulka, but if you look at that magazine, you can like totally tell that they're not dealing with sexuality in a healthy way, like homocore shows. A big "fuck you" to Horizontal Action. Pigs should be on your dinner plate, not on newsstands. Thank you.
11. One more thing: Fuck Republicans. They suck. Thank you. One time, my friend Herschel (a Jewish boy not associated with goyaphobia) turned to me and said, "Fuck Republicans. They suck." I didn't know how true it was until he told me. I turned to him and said, "Well how do you think that makes ME feel?" In a way, I was glad he said it.
12. What is "punk?" Well, I don't know. I think it means a lot of things to a lot of people, but, really now people, I don't think it's that Warped Tour Bullshit. Nor do I think it's that New Found Glory crap. You can't buy it at Hot Topic when you're sucking down an Orange Julius at the Mall. No, punk is all about changing society so it doesn't, like, suck so bad. Thank you.
13. Once, I went to a Wrigleyville bar after a Cubs game with a big-breasted female companion. You wouldn't believe the sexist remarks she endured, just because she has big breasts! It was disgusting. It's hard to believe people act that way. I should have just opted to stay at my favorite coffee shop, because I love coffee SO MUCH!
Well, I could go on for much longer, but it seems I've already hit MRR's word count! Aw, but stay tuned for next month, because I have much more to talk about in terms of society, politics, feminism, and how this all plays into punk...told from a goy punk's perspective, of course. See ya then! Until next time: this is Anonymous Goy...signing off!
Well...I'm glad I finally got to see this in print, even if it is just the stupid internet. Thanks Rich! Thanks Eric!
Actually, for this column, I had originally intended to write some kind of rant about how too many douchebags out there complain about "long songs" (i.e. songs longer than 3 1/2 minutes) from the garagey sorts of bands, and how these relatively longer songs uphold a tradition that's just as important in punk rock as the Trashmen ("Sister Ray!!!" Flipper!)...but this "idea" hasn't had much room to operate in my head this week because Chris Playboy, the drummer for Miss Alex White and the bass player of Chin Up Chin Up, was killed early last Saturday (February 14th) morning while crossing the street after leaving the Ponys record release show at the Empty Bottle, hit by a drunk driver involved in a gang-related car chase.
Chris was a big supporter of the Chicago music scene (and music in general), but more importantly, he was by all accounts one of the nicest, enthusiastic, most talented guys around, and right now, all of my friends are doing their best to come to grips with this terrible tragedy.
While he and I weren't close friends, we were supposed to get together this week to rehearse in his attic to play "You Say You Don't Love Me" by the Buzzcocks for the next "Brian Costello Show." We had played "Dead Flowers" and "Sway" on the show a couple months ago along with Jered of the Ponys and Ken Kagawa, and the whole experience was nothing but fun and the kind of good humor that's the exclusive domain of musicians. It's damn near impossible to put into words all the sad and angry thoughts and feelings going on right now, but in the end, I'll never forget Chris pulling out all these amazing and hilarious Charlie Watts drumfills while Jered magically ad-libbed endless Mick Taylor-as-Gram Parsons licks as Ken kept smashing his head against the low slanted ceiling while doing his best Jaggerisms. It reminded me of why I even bother playing music. Thank you, Chris...we'll never forget you.
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