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Anonymous Goy's Best of 2005

Best Performer Who Really, Uh, Screwed Up in Vietnam: Gary Glitter

A Death Via Savage and Unnatural Atavistic Ritual: Hunter S. Thompson

Winner of the Kraft Cheese and Macaroni "How Many Bands Can I play in at Once?" Contest: Eric Apnea (Matt Williams finishes a close second).

Best Drummer: Billy in Human Eye. What the hell is he doing, and how? If Eddie was Charlie Watts, that makes Billy Elvin Jones, and the rest of us drummers are Moulty.

Forbidden Accoutrement for 2006: Eyeliner on dudes

Forbidden Word for 2006: Douchebag

A Song That's Still Catchy: "Oh Yeah" by Yello

Most Up and Coming Music Scene: Orlando. Holy Shit calls it "Milwaukee South." Yeah yeah, you can laugh at the sunglass kids all you want, but Rich and Co. have worked very hard to put my geographically challenged (not to mention mentally, aesthetically, artistically, architecturally, culturally, and, until now, musically challenged) hometown into a worthwhile stopping point for touring bands. They have a promising label in Florida's Dying, some great bands (Learning Curves, Fashion Fashion and the Image Boys, Jeanie and the Tits, among others I have yet to see), and the requisite dive bar venue willing to tolerate the shenanigans (Alpine Tavern, in the So O District). If these guys can make something happen in Central Florida of all places, surely you in the Upper 47 can make something happen in your crummy little burg.

Most Underrated Band: The Krunchies. It's high time this band stops getting treated like the nicey-nice kid-sibling opening band, and more like the headliners they deserve to be. Arguably the best band in Chicago, and their getting snubbed at the Blackout was the sole black mark in what was the best Blackout yet. Most bands who play fast don't do much musically, but The Krunchies have more weird moments in their songs than most "weird" bands. (Honorable Mention: Vee Dee)

Most-Overpraised (by Matt Coppens) Band: Upstab. Don't like it. Please don't hit me with a towtruck chain. Here, here's my lunch money. Here's my underwear for you to wedgie me with. Please, I'm sorry. Please don't machete me. I'll do all your homework, I promise.

Best New(er) Band: Human Eye. Timmy could have played Clone Defects-style punk rock the rest of his life, and you melonheads would have lapped it right up, but instead, with the rest of Human Eye, they took some RISKS and made one of the few records I can see having relevance in 30 years--a frenetic/chaotic masterpiece of loud desperation in the lyrics only hinted at in the Cloney D's. Honorable Mentions: Rat Traps, Learning Curves, Monitors, Wolf Bite, Angry Angles, Haircuts, The Kind of Jazz Music that Kills, Crucified Pussy, Mac Blackout's solo recordings, Krazy Punkz, Cococomas.

Best Pizza: Farotto's, St. Louis.

Best Shows of 2006: Sat. Afternoon Blackout Matinee, King Khan/BBQ and Night Terrors last January, Cuntpuppet at the Horrible Fest playing to skinheads who, surprise surprise, didn't like it cuz it wasn't for the punx, Monitors at the Mutiny, Rat Traps at Horrible Fest, Pagans at the Blackout (they played everything I wanted to hear, and by then, I was too drunk and exhausted to give a shit how long they played), Human Eye at the Blackout.

Something that Wasn't as Gross as it Looked: Octy the Octopus from the Blackout finding a home in my freezer until the missus came home.

-Anonymous Goy


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