- Misc. - "Just Get Down to the Horizontal Action!"
my runnings from the P.C. Punks I fell into a record shop. I was looking
for some sanctuary, where I could say "fag" and masturbate whenever
and wherever I wanted. It isnt easy these days. Its a battle.
And yr all fags. It isnt easy to just do what you want, say what
you want. It isnt
Rock N Roll all nite and party
and get laid AND do it in the blanket of satire. There are few people
who "get" me. Some of my friends get me. Some of them think
they get me
But Id like to think the people of Horizontal
Action really do get me. So like I said, in my runnings from the P.C.
Punks I fell into a record shop. This record shop, where I eventually
started working at, housed the raw, the rock, and the corrupted, alcohol-soaked
mayhem that I craved. And it is there where I was introduced to Horizontal
was floored. The year was 1999. MRR was soooo far in the toilet that its
foot stopped twitching. Hit List came out and I thought maybe these guys
could be the new gladiators, in their shining armor with their glistening
swords held high up in the air; but no, they fell to the tigers. Who then?
Who? Then my record store got a shipment of records and such, and with
it, a few copies of Horizontal Action, issue #4. I thought to myself,
well, this looks interesting. And you know what? It was! A zine
interesting! Fuckin Christ! These people actually LIKE rock n
roll. Theyre not jaded. But they are knowledgeable and they know
when theyre being fucked. Theyre honest AND they dont
give a fuck. Fuck! Theyre JUST LIKE ME! So now Im doing this.
Not for me
I know Horizontal Action is cool. They like the Gilmore
Girls for cryin out loud! I do this for you. Because if you dont
know about Horizontal Action, well, you fuckin should. And if yr
a fan of blankgeneration.com then yr a fan of Horizontal Action. I mean
they absolutely LUV rock n roll! And porn
I have mentioned that earlier, huh? Cause I know they get a lot of slack
for that. But to that I have this to say - Sex has been thee mainstay
of rock n roll. Why do people start rock n roll
groups Money or Sex. And since were talking about garage/trash
can/punk groups, they can really only get sex. So stop trying to see yourself
as what you want to be Gods little pet, and see yourself
as what you are a sexed-up rock n roll machine.
I asked Horizontal Actions Publisher "In-Heat" Uncle Ted
for a brief history of the mag, and the motive for being one of the mad
scientists pulling the electric lever, lighting up this Frankenstein of
Rock N Roll Zines:
HORIZONTAL ACTION M.O.
connection between sex and rocknroll is undeniable. Through
the years as rocknroll has fallen under different namesakes:
garage, punk, and even metal, one thing has remained constant, -----
the underlining connection with sex. From Elviss sweltering
on stage hip action, to Chuck Berry's underage chick fixation, to
The Stooges "I Wanna Be Your Dog," and up to the contemporary
Demolition Doll Rods, its all about sex.
is at the core of any vital music, and always has been. Hip Hop, R&B,
Rockn Roll, Punk, Country, it's all been dominated by
whoever exudes the most raw sexuality. By combining these two complementary
elements that originated (and even still co-exist) together, we're
just opening everyone's eyes to something very obvious, yet unprecedented!
1996, we had talked about doing a zine. Knowing that there was a void
to be filled between sex and rocknroll, we knew HORIZONTAL
ACTION would be perfect to fill the big, gaping whole left by other
magazines (you know the ones) that filled their pages with unwanted
leftist political bullshit. Music, especially rocknroll,
was about having a good time and essentially nothing else.
knew that in order to have a successful magazine we needed to find
our niche. There are, and were at the time of course, a zillion music
zines out there. We needed something to set us apart from the rest.
We needed an angle, that would both illustrate the connection between
sex and rocknroll, and be unique. So, what other "art
form" has sex sewn in at its base? Well, thats where the
porn comes in. It seemed simple. In the beginning finding nudie pictures
was a chore. We thumbed through old men's mags we had sitting around
and used a lot of photos we had shot at the Miss Nude America Pageant
we attend every year religiously, but nothing really stood out as
feature material. Then, as time went on, and we built relationships
with some of the adult companies and it became easier. Not only did
girls begin to send us pictures of themselves, but many of the video
companies whos films we review started to send us their releases.
Now we have to swim through them just to reach our desks!
first issue had a distribution of 251 copies; the same number of dudes
Anabell Chong screwed in the first of the "Worlds Biggest Gang
Bang" series released that same year. Now, 5 years later our
distribution is 4,000 worldwide, and we are still growing (we have
distribution directly to independent record stores by Choke in the
US, Incognito in Europe, and Corduroy in Australia). In 2000, we were
approached by Tower Records to supply their international chain of
stores, and since then, our readership base has grown like wildfire.
seemed to enjoy the magazine, and in no time we had anyone even slightly
interested, clamoring to contribute to our growing number of pages.
And the girls! Just when you think that Horizontal Action is an offensive
sexist, hedonistic publication that will forever remain stashed under
guy's mattresses, the girls come running. We now have a group of about
25 people that regularly collaborate and contribute to each issue.
And the funny part is, six of the contributors are female. See, what
these girls know, (and what some "men" may not know) is
that we were never intended to be a magazine for male perverts that
know their rock'n roll, but more like a new plateau. Kind of a sexual
"comfort zone" for anyone that enjoys general "pleasure"
in their nether regions, male or female. And don't forget about the
first-class REAL rockn roll that keeps the magazine so
esteemed with the world's greatest band features. Instead of conducting
the same, banal, droopy interviews that many of the other music magazines
print, we decided to delve deeper into the mating rituals and goofy
sexual shenanigans that so many of today's great bands have experienced.
Of course, no one we have interviewed takes themselves too seriously,
and therefore their true honesty and modesty in our arena of sex and
rocknroll, makes them shine like they never knew they
intentions have always been clear. Sex and rocknroll are
two of the most important things in our lives, and have been for the
better part of our lives.
there you have it. To live and have fun and fuck and listen to the Makers
while yr doing it. This is what life is all about. And life is just beginning
for Horizontal Action. They are currently working on other cool projects,
throwing huge jams like The Chicago Rock N Roll Blackout!
How does this happen? We asked Uncle Ted and heres what he had to
Action's Promotions division was born with its administrator, with
Matt Billiams taking over the event booking in 2000. In the last five
years, we've demoralized and immortalized venues such as The Beat
Kitchen, Roby's, Double Door, Subterranean, Big Horse Lounge, and
the unforgettable Pop's On Chicago. Each place loved the group of
people that came out in droves for the bands, and with the outrageous
amount of money poured into the bars each night, they sure couldn't
pass up any opportunity to help Horizontal Action put on a show.
of the notable bands we've brought to Chicago over the past five years...
CLONE DEFECTS (Detroit, MI) - Tom Perkins
>The DIRTBOMBS (Detroit, MI) - In The Red
>ANDY G. & THE ROLLER KINGS (NYC) Sympathy
>The BLACKS (Sweden) - Big Neck
>The LOST SOUNDS (Memphis, TN) - Big Neck records
>The BASEBALL FURIES (Buffalo, NY) - Estrus/Flying Bomb
>The PIRANHAS (Detroit, MI) - Tom Perkins
>The KILL-A-WATTS (Milwaukee, WI) - Rip Off
>The COMAS (Clinton, MS) - Therapeutic
>The HOOKERS (Lexington, KY) - Sub Pop/Scooch Pooch
>The VULTURES (Seattle, WA) - Dirtnap
>The MULLENS (Dallas, TX) - Get Hip
>The BLOWTOPS (Buffalo, NY) -Big Neck
>The DAYLIGHT LOVERS (Montreal, Quebec) - Sympathy/SackO'Shit
The Chicago Blackout? That sounds like fun.
> You: But Joe, yr saying this that Blackout thing sounds fun, but
you didnt go to it.
> Me: No I didnt bunky, BUT Todd Killings (Editor and Coordinator
for Horizontal Action) did, and heres how it all when down according
Actions first Annual CHICAGO ROCKN ROLL BLACKOUT (April
5, 6, 7th @ Beat Kitchen) Three nights of ass-shakin, thigh-squeezin
Rockn Roll was the best we could come up with. Ever wonder what
it would be like to go to one of those fancy Vegas Shakedown shows,
except you actually got to see all the good bands, you didnt
have to wear a goofy wristband, and you didnt have to stand
around for 14 hours straight? Well, thats what we tried to do
right here in Chicago for our very own three-night REAL Rockn
Roll showcase named after our favorite weekend passtime, the all-American
Blackout! After lotsa coordinating by Billy D. Grilliams, the trap
was set to go at the Beat Kitchen. Thursdays lineup started
with Milwaukees favorite drunken raw-dog gladiators, the MISTREATERS.
The soundman had been putting up with nine hours of Tav Falcos
soundcheck and erupted with rage, and threatening me with a hammer,
and backed me into a corner to discuss the bands
time slots. Luckily the MISTREATERS helped me shake that off, and
man were these guys drunk! Hoppin around like a buncha dusted
drifters, and never missing a shot. Wait till you see the video footage
of those drunks climbing around on the construction equipment outside
the bar! Seattles VALENTINE KILLERS tore through their blazing
NBT-style numbers with fire in their bellies and chicks on their minds.
Great guys, great time. Hot shit, dont miss em! Then the
nights headliners, TAV FALCO and the PANTHER BURNS came up.
Apparently Tavs pretty demanding, pretentious, and unpredictable.
Hell, he even rejected all the music we brought into play
between sets! It was an entertaining set, with the second guitarist
stealing the show most of the time. So far no fights, no broken hymen
or broken hearts. The next night was when all the devils dust
from the North really blew into town. The always elegant Andy G and
Candy Del Mar from NYCs ROLLER KINGS dined on cheap broth, as
Timmy Vulgar (CLONE DEFECTS) and Lyle Sheraton (DAYLIGHT LOVERS) converged
once again like two wild brothers reunited by insanity. Chicagos
BLACK BEAUTIES blew the lid off the joint as the Rockn Roll
worlds fans and luminaries hung out together like a family might
do. Pounding shots, pinching asses? Yep, sounds like family! And,
as Canderson poured the last drops of burning love into Action
Party, I could finally breathe, and went for more booze, stat!
Then, Lyle, Warden, and TT hit the stage in a violent eruption of
liquid sex. But somehow the front of their pants remained dry. The
ladies panties however, were not. Ball-crushing rockn
roll desperation, case closed! The CLONE DEFECTS emerged next with
a heavy band member spat to add to the tension. I knew this was gonna
just spin outta control. The best band in the land? Straight out of
Rockn Roll heaven and spilled all over your fucking face! Next,
after a couple of failed attempts at mouth-to-mouth resuscitation,
I managed to find more booze and the ROLLER KINGS coming out swingin.
Andy G was dressed to the hilt with fuckin suspenders and a
silky tie, and Candy looked as hot as ever tuggin on those bass
strings. Everyone was hammered, and the rockn roll just hurt
good enough to get everyone up front squirming for more. Great use
of the SEX-a-phones, guys! It really makes the chicks hornier than
a three-peckered billy goat. Pure Rockn Roll heaven. Finally,
Saturday comes around and all the rest of the heads roll into town
for the big party. Kegs on ice, grills on, and the chicks
are just pouring in. The GUILTY PLEASURES bash out the first bang
of the night, and man did them asses start shakin! Planet of the Gapes!
The boys did a great job of getting the crowd sweaty, and basically
burst all the hymen in the first few rows after the first few minutes.
Now thats class. Next up was Joe (ex-DIRTYS frontman) Burdicks
new group with Mary from the DETROIT COBRAS on guitar as an added
bonus. The other added bonus were the hot-shot twin chicks on guitar
and drums which gave everything about them a sexually surreal feel,
and thats exactly what were doing down here at Horizontal
Action. Providing you delusional rockn roll with hot gals belting
out the buzz. Great shit, keep your eyes out for their new releases
on Sympathy soon. Next at bat were our great buddies from Dallas,
the MULLENS, who never disappoint live or on record. Ever! These guys
came in to blaze, and they fucking changed everyones shorts
by the end of their set, for sure. All the hits, all the power, and
all the rockn roll hooks in all the right places makes these
guys the toughest act to follow. But can Mick Collins let you down
on a Saturday night in Chicago? Hail nah muthafukkas! White girls
were left in the dust as Detroits superheroes stormed and plowed
right through all the ass-shakers on their hot new LP. Can it get
any better? Yep. The hot tub party afterwards took care of any stray
dry clothes, and as todays real rockn roll legends blasted
off into oblivion, we pulled ourselves back up and got down again.
Well, I hope you have learned something about Horizontal
Action. Remember to enjoy the things that are in the NOW. Horizontal Action
lives in the NOW. And for all the player-haters out there, Uncle Ted has
this, and only this to say to you:
really have no idea why someone who apparently loves RAW, DIRTY, RAUNCHY
REAL Rock'n Roll music (in their heart) would have any misunderstanding
about our publication. Everyone that we have met either in person,
or through correspondence has shared a similar view on how our magazine
portrays its content. Maybe if people knew the staff better, they
would shirk any predispositions toward what we're doing. But for the
most part, most cognizant readers who understand irony, sarcasm, and
humor enjoy it wholeheartedly. Of course, we're not out to objectify
or hurt anyone, but we also know how to have fun and we don't want
the magazine to slip into the mainly boring content level that usually
is dished out in most rock'n roll publications. We believe that in
times like these, we need to have as much fun and enjoyment as we
can handle before our time runs out. So for anyone that takes our
content the wrong way, we hope you'll take another look at Horizontal
Action and try to clear your mind of all the social taboos and political-correctness
that continues to sterilize every other facet of our culture. And
have fun, goddamnit!
Action Magazine is distributed independent in the US by Choke and Tower
Records, in Europe/Asia by Incognito, and in Australia/Pacific Rim by
1433 N. Wicker Park Ave.
Suite 2, Chicago, IL 60622, USA
by Joe Domino.
Pictures by Horizontal Action.