Columns - "Digital Block" 08.01.02

Before we REALLY begin, I feel as though its time for some wisdom from Beuford T. Justice, Texas lawman from The true story of Smokey and The Bandit.

"...It happens everytime one of those dancers start poon-tanging around one of those faggies."

Heres another one:

"The goddamn Germans got nothing to do with it".

Classic gold-medalist!!!!!


I had a plan for this column. Well, in fact I had a couple plans. In the past five minutes I have decided to scrap all of those and do something I just now remembered.

You WERE going to read about how a guy named Tim from Atlanta Georgia and I exchanged a few e-mails about who I decide to call a titan...As it turns out, Im really just glad that someone responded to what I wrote and Tim doesn’t seem like a bad guy after all.... I guess what I am saying is some form of an apology because maybe I didn’t really mean it when I said that I would rather jump from the tallest heights of the Jelico Mountain portion of I-75 rather than listen to him talk. My beloved, Miss Communication pointed out on our last journey down south that there doesn’t seem to be cliffs on Jelico Mountain that I could jump from... Just steep hills. I told her I would jump as far as I could and tumble down the mountain until death.... Knowing me and my inability to do anything, I would probably survive and someone would get it on videotape and show it on Fox every other week on some sorts of stupid Moments caught on tape show....

You WERE going to read about the last appearance of The Gazelles, one of my favorite local bands. I was there taking pictures when they started and I was there taking pictures when they ended. As they ended a wave of emotion overcame me and ultimately I had to fight back a fucking tear! Thats how I know Im serious about bands.... When the Gazelles ended it was like my fucking heart got ripped out... But you see, this event ties in closely with another something I am preparing to write that I am tentatively calling Sparrows.

Lions. Drug Deals turned Battle of Armageddon

At the Gazelles last show, none other than Tom Perkins was in attendance. He, Matt the Junglecat, frontman for the Gazelles, and another Nova High School visitor turned a prospected list of people putting in money for a drug purchase INTO a Battle of Armageddon that was mapped out over two hours before The Gazelles play. I have visual aids, including the mapping of the battle itself to share.... And it all began when I said "Hey, what are you guys doing? Drawing up Football plays?"

Bless their hearts, They had me as a wide receiver.... I mean, FUCK! What would you do if your friends fulfilled a prophetic dream you had months earlier? Yeah, I know. Write about it.

Well, anyway... I decided to hold off. Maybe the 7th edition of Digital Block could be about the Gazelles last show with Sparrows. Lions. Drug Deals turned Battle of Armageddon done as a feature like Joe Domino wanted. I dunno. I mean Joe is a ‘friend’ and all but I caught word that he missed a Crimson Sweet performance because he was watching Henry Potter and the Saucers Stone DVD....

Yeah. ‘friend’. Theres many different levels to that word and Frenchy, you arent at the bottom in fear of being voted off the island, but your nowhere near the middle after that bullshit....

So I either scratched all Ideas of what the sixth edition of Digital Block could have been and opted to print something that I had only shared with a selected few. Its a true story of my life and another installment of The Midwest Apogee of Shawn Abnoxious. its pertinent in the because it sorta loops in with my Erase Errata review...

You see, when I finally had put the guy who said he could play "Welcome to the Jungle" with his teeth in his place, he brought up the story of how I consider myself the Last Unicorn and pass all his 6 month shit as a joke.... He wasn’t joking, I know this because he was from Cleveland. He also had a cast that I was zeroing in on. Yeah, I sound totally cruel when I say that because it isn’t chivalrous to fight someone with a broken foot but if I had been pulling what he was pulling in Cleveland and I had the broken foot, someone would have probably sent me BACK to the hospital. its just the way it was. When I played in Cleveland back in 1997 and someone threw a beer bottle at me. I didn’t get mad. I learned right then and there to expect such things.

Then, last night. The last Unicorn story came up again with Kenny On Broadway. Its something I was sure he had read, I was sure I had shared it with him, but he didn’t recall it at all. ‘You been allot of different animals haven’t you" he asked.

I have. and its not like I was one, and moved on, Im really an amalgamation of them all....Im Shawn Abnoxious; The Digital Block. Im the Last Unicorn and I can prove it. What you are about to read was written a long time ago but rings as true as I had just wrote it.....Forgive some of the very apparent errors. I rant he fucking thing through a spell check but the further you get into this thing, the more you will realize that its sorta part of the whole experience.

The Midwest Apogee of Shawn Abnoxious Part IX;

The Last Unicorn. (Secret Fuel). Alcazar of Debasement ("Hotel California"). Nexus ES Deficiency.

High blood pressure. Abcess tooth. Abscessed teeth. Vomiting blood. The last surviving unicorn. Thats me.

I happen upon a chance encounter with John Doe from X. Well, the encounter wasn’t really CHANCE. "Games" are CHANCE. That John Doe fucker was scheduled. DID YOU FUCKING HEAR ME? SCHEDULED! He was scheduled to do a in store appearance at Shake It Records.

Shake It Records is MY record store. I dont own it. Darren and Jim do. They are my DEALERS. "The first one is always free" Jim, or ‘JB’ as he is called sez. What a pair of fellas. Week after week I go down there and unleash my hard earned cash for vinyl records. I never leave empty handed. Some call their dealers and ask for some smack.

Addict: "Hey, lefty. You gots ya 50 worth?"

Dealer:"Gyeah bra. Come on by the crib and Ye will Hooky-hook!"

Now why did I make the drug dealer say "Ye" as in "Ye olde shoe shop". I have no idea. Its the tooth talking. The tooth makes me crazy. It pumps poison into my bloodstream just like a good bad tooth is sposda do.... Back to it: maybe in the back of my head, in my little life up/in there the dealers all use old English mixed with "street-slang", "ebonics" or whatever the kids are calling that jive shit the use. No disrespect intended with that. It sounds worse than intended. Maybe in MY head the dealers are nearly incomprehensible like everyone in the DiCaprio/Danes version of Romeo and Juliet. I liked that movie. Especially the choice to play Mercutio (did I spell that right?) who was played by... Wait. Im wrong. You see, Im STILL confused. I dont really know who anyone else played except Leo and Claire who played Romeo and Juliet. I thought from the start John Leguizomo kick some fucking ass in that movie. Thought he played Merwhoever. Wrong I suppose. Theres that tooth again. Clouding facts. Clouding life. Good bad tooth. Anyway, before I get back to how im THE LAST UNICORN know this, Summer of Sam is a great fucking movie (even if the depiction of "punk-rock" was wrong) and John Leguizomo as VINNIE kicked ass. My favorite part of Summer of Sam is when VINNIE goes into his Hair Salon SMASHED and gets in a big fight with his boss. He should have got the Oscar for that.

back to it:

Addict: Hey, JBeez; Darrin... Yo, ya gots that new slew of Rave-Up in?

Dealer:" Gyeah bra. Heres ya Bag y’all know Ye self will Hooky-hook ya all up boyz!"

When Darren and JB told me John Doe from the legendary X was going to do a ‘in-store’ (business lingo) I just had to be there. I mean shit, I have to tell John Doe that Ray Manzerek RUINED "Nausea".

I give it the old The, "When I got there I realized". He knows that already. I mean he has to. Were Desperate. Get use to it. This encounter was before my tooth though. well, I mean I have had bad teeth for like MOST OF my life but this was before they became the POISON factories that they now are. Who need drugs when you have abscessed teeth? I would like to see them drug test me now. You quit going to the dentist when you are 8 and see what happens 20 years later. Ouch. Bliss. pain is bliss. I didn’t ask for that green lawn! Ooops, thares the tooth. in fact maybe. just (AKA ‘just’) maYBE THIS TOOTH WAS SPEWING POISON IN MY BLOODSTREAM... excuse me, hit the caps key there... Maybe this tooth had been pumping toxins into my body for some time now. maybe thats the secret fuel behind this apogee. the pain. the poison. bad teeth. I need a slow gin Fizz.Two cherries. Punch.

Like the peaches say. "Go to Sleep.... Go ta sleep. Tired Imagery". maybe that fucker had bad teeth.

Back to it: pain throbs. Im taking aspirin or pain reliever or whatever the kids are calling it these days BY THE FOURS. Every four hours. Four Pills. Well, not exactly. Today I took six aspirin at once. three hours later I took four more. I figure the pain will end one way or the other. The pills will work or my heart will quit. Fuck it. THROB. That aint my heart, its my jaw. Four pockets of... what you call it? PUSS? INFECTION? FOUR in my mouth. Filled to the brim. popping and pouring. My body absorbing the toxins willfully into my body. I have no appetite. Just moments ago im writing a e-mail to Gunther and for no reason... well, I was listening to a CD I made with every Le Shok song I could find from vinyl along with some Fuses, Peaches, los Reactors and more.. anyway, I began convulsing I think. well, my stomach did and I felt as if I was suffocating. The Poison in my brain? Liver? SHUTDOWN? I ran to the sink and coughed as my stomach cramped and I gasped for air... Blood poured out of my mouth. Vampiric. One of my mouthy infection pockets rupturing? Am I Dying? I got hold of myself and returned to the music and e-mail. I told Gunther how he just made it into my Apogee (he had just read the first two installments on Now Wave Website) and lookey here; he did just that. Gunther. Guess I should take a minute to explain who Gunther is. Yeah, I should do allot of things... LIKE GO TO THE DENTIST but you know what? that doesn’t mean im going to do it. defiance! DEFIANCE! Any attempt! If Gunther wants you to know about him, he will tell ya. I tried my best to sound like an angry Australian back there matey. Did it work?

Back to it; Its a new day since I last wrote that last paragraph. The pain has subsided. A vicious attack of PAIN is now a gentle soreness. I feel like my whole mindset is different too. I have told two people about my Vampiric bloodletting that you just read back there a bit ago. Two people. just enough to clear up any sudden deaths. Both people seemed confident that the whole bloody dryheaving episode was my bodys rejection of the toxin in my bloodstream. Toxins. cool. I keel over dead and John Merritt, the original NEWPORT HUSTLER, and my other work buddy Earnie were the holders of the potential ANSWER to my death IF IT WAS TO HAPPEN IN MYSTERY. Then of course someone would read this, my 10th EPISODE of my Midwest Apogee. this would have been my last gasp hoo-ray. It would have been grand too. Yeah, I could have told Julie and my parents and even my brother DeWayne who works not 30 feet away from me but I knew if I did they wouldn’t stop about the dentist. I know Im going to the dentist but im going to try and put it off for as long as I can. Things are doing too damn good for me to ruin it. The last time I walked in a doctors office was just after my Mom had a tumor removed from her Lung. She thought it was CANCER. I thought it was cancer. The Family thought it was cancer. I mean, she spent like 30 years smoking two packs a day. What would you think? yep, CANCER. But it wasn’t. She was recovering. My foot hurt. I went to a URGENT CARE to see what they could do for me. The X rayed my foot. Nothing broke. Some fucking doctor pushed on my foot and made it hurt more. They took my blood pressure. When I left my foot was still hurting. They told me I should get some new shoes. (sounds like some sort of 1930’s cure dont it?). They said I should go and get some sort of shoot in my foot from a Foot doctor THEY WERE HAPPY to refer me to... Oh yeah, they also said my blood pressure was so high I could be dead in six months. I asked if my rise of blood pressure was from eating a MacDonalds breakfast and they said no. that was two years ago. IM STILL HERE.


(the) Last Unicorn.

THE (last) Unicorn.

THE LAST (unicorn).

Sipping White Grape Juice like its a slow gin fizz. Just enough liquid to cover the ice cubes. I have traded Le Shok. The Peechess. Los Reactors and (more) for a Testors CD containing their LP and both their rockin’ 10 inch records. Lets get Zoed Out. Indeed. Awmaw.....

Back to it: Im the last unicorn. Told. Declared. Priding myself on my state of health. Sounds like fucking poetry dont it. I thought poetry sucked then Jerry gave me a Bukowski book. Here I am. Bad tooth. bad teeth. The pain is now just a soreness. The Poison isn’t trying to escape my body as it was before. no vomiting. No bleeding. Abscessed teeth isn’t the sort of thing that disappears (is it). I know, even now, the body is absorbing the toxin. THE INFECTION at a suitable rate. Giving my perhaps twisted thoughts, Twisted Ideas. Twisted perception. Strange vision, and for that I am truly thankful. Heart Disease. Diabetes. Death by Tooth. Im ready for it. What you dont know will never kill you, only change you . its what you know which kills you. knowledge. Blessed be the fool. Blessed be the dumbass.

Sonny Vincent of The Testors: "I try to keep a good attitude. Each and everyday. But yer talking business when I want to play. your always in my way. your always in my way. Sometime I look at you. I wonder if your alive. are you cybernetic? or are you jive? your always in my way. )from "Bad Attitude".

Sonny Vincent entering the Alcazar of Debasement. Grandios parties. welcome all bad teeth. grape Juice. Vinyl LPs transferred to CD for pleasure of the listener. Welcome Mr. Vincent. hang your hat. Sat a spell. Slow Gin Fizzes are free but you just wanna suck on that Abcess a while I bet huh? Let The Eagles have their Hotel California. I will have my Alcazar of Debasement. We will never leave. We refuse to leave. See me. (hear me_). Touch me. [feel me]. Am I mad? never mind, just wishing back there....

Back to it: Im getting off track but im not worrying about it. This is MY Primal Call. Hoo-ray. ( Sonny Vincent is STILL inspiring!; no forgiveness though. you want sorrow, go to Brasil. Fucking boyscouts.) So. Shake It Records. John Doe. Forgive me... Im getting you back up to speed. Well, im there and John Doe is singing. I find the beer and sure enough when the singing is over all my friends flock to the fucking keg like its the long lost friend we all know and ADMIRE. We drink and talk and laugh. here comes a guy named mark Schaeffer. Hes like some sort of professor/teacher who use to.. Oh shit, I almost INTRODUCED you to mark. Thats the last thing you need right now is fucking introductions. This isn’t a fucking talk show. this isn’t even a story "this" is a fucking Apogee. This is my brandishing of the written word. it doesn’t have to make sense. I will be recognized long after death for my merits. Wait, no, I wont. Aw fuck it. I had fun waiting for the transition. I wished I could have been a member of Heavens gate. Now those are, or should I say WERE some far out mother fuckers. I mean, I dont wanna castrate myself or anything. Dont MISINTERPRET ME. I mean, it sounded like those heavens gate people had some fun. Chicken pot Pies. Valium. Vodka. cool shoes. comets. "vehicles". bet they had some Slow Gin Fizzs round there to. Fuck yeah! I look at lots of cults and see potential fun. Jonestown=koolaid. Tropics..... Branch Davidians... Now that was some shit. I dont really know the real story about what David Koresh was into and all that shit but I bet the storys that are coming out about how awful and horrid people and children were treated in their compound ARE NOT ENTIRELY TRUE. Why? Because the government ATF fucks would do ANYTHING to make themselves look like torching that place WAS A GOOD THING. Even (gasp) by TELLING LIES. You see one thing that really freaks me out is in some footage and shit about WACO David Koresh kept talking about the final battle of Armageddon and how it will be fought with fire. Well, he was right. his battle of Armageddon WAS fought with fire. Afterwards the Oklahoma Bombing. Yeah, I know that was a fucking government set up too. just another STEP in the gun law process. Waco, Heavens gate, Jonestown... Its all fun until everyone starts dying. I must commit more time looking for my Armageddon. My bad tooth infected vampiric Armageddon. Slow gin fizzes. Steel Reserve. the Midwest Apogee. MY Midwest Apogee. MY Armageddon.

back to it: Sidetracked but that what this apogee is all about. And to think I originally designed this to be over in about 5 parts. Pshaw.

So. mark Schaeffer arrives. We hug. Embrace like long lost allies. Marks a good guy. one time I remember pissing in the same bathroom with him. he was pissing in the sink, me the toilet. he said one time he had a narrow urethra. "I didn’t know you penis could sing pink Cadillac" I should have said but I didn’t. Its funny though. I also remember mark singing for The Twerps. one of the most prolific front men EVER I have seen. I keep waiting for him to get in another band. We have never talked about it but I feel a certain bond with mark. not a sexual one. A bond. Its something I have with others too. It like a BROTHERHOOD. NEXUSesDEFICIENCY A unspoken link between us. I think Mark understands me. and thats why you should fear him. I must introduce another persona. max. The OLD MAN. Max was in a band called _______ ____ but thats not really important in the long run. What is important is Max is the old man. Hes like 18. Hes max. The old man. The name fits. trust me.

{musically I find it important to let you know I have switched back to The compilation CD I made with Le Shok, Los reactors, The fuses and more. I also feel compelled to mention the inclusion of a SWEET track on that disc, "Action". Queen majorly ripped Sweet off in my opinion}

I ask Mark what he has been up to. Max, the old man watches and observes.


He [mark] responds "High Blood pressure". Apparently, Marks doctor has told him about a blood pressure problem Mark is having and urged him to help control it. Ben there, done that I think. Max, the old man continues his observation. He looks back and forth between me and Mark like a spectator at a tennis match. I tell him about my urgent care story. Mark becomes concerned for me. he hugs me again. Max, the old man watches and observes. Embracing. He mutters something about this, the john Doe appearance in Shake It Records, being the last time he will see me alive. he fears I may die. Max, the old man watches and observes. Mark is genuinely concerned too. like a big brother.

Before I forget. Another side story. This lady brought her golden retriever puppy to the in-store (business lingo again). After a few beers I pointed to the beast and said "Who let the dogs out?". it was funny. I mean fuck, when Vanilla ice first unleashed "Ice Ice baby" it was really cool for a short period of time. so was "u Cant Touch This". This whole "who let The Dogs Out" thing was fucking stupid from the start. I even held my beer cup down to the dogs level so it could have some beer. I have no qualms drinking beer from the same cup a dog lapped out of. I have gotten drunk with many of a dog. This dog didn’t want any beer. It REFUSED. Fucking dog. Its owner tried feeding it ice. Yeah, ICE. It didn’t like that either but it did eat some of JB’s BBQ he made. The shit was good but any dog refusing beer is a STUPID dog. Who let the dogs out?

back to it. Mark Schaeffer is concerned. Max, the old man, continues his tennis spectatish reeling of his head. back and forth. forth and back. The Old Man has a level of attentiveness that I admire. I remember playing the Electric Company back just before I began Journeying thru time. Max stared at us [the Socials] as we went through our set AND LISTENED. Wide-eyed. He was listening. He was here too.

I finished my Urgent Care Story or did I already say that. Mark was concerned. now I know I already said that... "Im an endangered Species" I told Mark and the attentive Old man. "Im like some rare animal thats thought extinct but yet alive. Dying fast. Decomposing and deteriorating". "Unicorn" Max said. "Your Like the last Unicorn". The Old man hit the nail on the head.

Hit it on the head (the nail). Max, the old man. Thats how I became known, thats how I was declared. DECLARED THE LAST UNICORN. A Mythical beast. magical. Hunted. sought. Thats me. Nearly dead. Dying. Only clones and textbooks live forever.


If you would be interested in receiving a matchbook zine edition of the Fifth Edition of Digital Block, complete with several pictures of The Clone Defects, send a SASE. I will send you a Neus Subejx too...

If, for some reason, You would like a commemorative Digital block refrigerator Magent, featuring a full-color picture of my thumb just three days after the initial accident, then send me $1 (well concealed cash) and a SASE and I will send you one. Warning: the pic is bloody and you can see my stitches. Its not for those with weak stomachs.... I will also throw in a Matchbookzine or two and a recent Neus Subjex....

Heres my address: The Neus Subjex c/oDigital Block Stuff PO Box 18051 Fairfield, Ohio 45018

This was the sixth installment of Digital Block by Shawn Abnoxious.

© 2003