Columns - "Friday Night at the Death Club" 07.14.00

Well hello, hello, hello. It’s Friday night, and it’s time to go out looking for danger. I hope the absence of my column last month made you all feel empty inside. Don’t worry though, I’m back, and Joey Domino has already punished me by forcing me to throw myself down a flight of stairs while beating my own face with raw meat. I’ve sure learned my lesson.

Oh, the humanity! Yours truly was booted from his residence, the Dangerzone, and is now adjusting to the reality of housemates that look down at me when I huff nitrous while masturbating to squirrel porn. Sure, I’ll bet it is hard to sleep when I enter your room at 4 in the morning while drunk and on cough medicine and then I grab all your money off your nightstand but slip and go boom. Then you find me passed out, clutching your money with a big cut on my head- boo, hoo, hoo! You spoiled little monkeys! Get used to it. Feel my heat!

But by the end of the summer, I’ll be moving on again. The road will be hit. I will be the one hitting it, like a Nazi Allman Brother. Policy: No boring, shitlicking assholes. To the gas chamber with you pussies! Last call! Round and round and round I goes, and where I stop, nobody knows.

Cable TV.

I was just looking at the television. There’s this show called Don’t Forget Your Toothbrush on the Comedy Central Network. People go on the show, and try to accomplish "nutty" tasks. If they do them, they win trips. I just saw a preview, and there’s this black dude, an Italian guy, and a couple others on platforms, wearing only kilts. This chic then has to identify them by their dicks. What kind of network is this? Comedy you say? It looks like some sort of dick network. If someone from a foreign country just saw that clip they’d say, "Look, they’ve got some sort of Dick Network over in America!" Then our overcrowded cities will become even more- so, with dick loving immigrants. If you ask me, this is very irresponsible!

Addicted to Talk Radio.

In gun control news, all the local talk radio action has been dominated by stories about the shooting of a Cleveland cop during a traffic stop. This is one quote- "All these people are good for is killing, stealing, and dealing. I’m sick of it! I’m really upset! We need to light ‘em up and give out free toasters." Who are "those people", may I ask? Soul brothers, I suspect. It’s awesome to know that there are still some conservative, racist white folks out there that are willing to stand up and be counted. Good for you lady. Now go fuck yourself.

In a related story, the last words of a Texas man sent to the chair were, "The Raiders are going all the way, ya’ll". The president of the Oakland Raiders should give this guy’s family money, or something. What a fan! What dedication to the team! I’m sorry, but I don’t see how a person of such loyalty and conviction could’ve committed any sort of crime. Bring on the DNA evidence; that dude was innocent!

Seduce Me, Tonight.

We’ve come to the music portion of the program. Ok- that’s about it for the music portion of the program. Wanted: Music that doesn’t make me feel like a total dick. I get embarrassed for most bands. Maybe I’m mellowing. No, that’s not it. It’s just the fact that I am finding it practically impossible to hunt down good bands. Please help me! Bands- if you don’t want to send stuff for review and such, send tapes. I don’t give a fuck. I just want to hear something interesting whether you’re more akin to Kraftwerk, or the Angry Samoans. I gave up maturity, education, and a stable financial future for rock and roll. People- don’t make a fuck out of me! Also wanted: Electronic carnage, drug and beer soaked plastic, machine gun etiquette, and wet dreams served on a platter. Don’t take my misery seriously. Start a cool band and make me happy. Or don’t, and pay with a stab wound to the guts.

Radio, Radio.

The last accomplishment the Rock Action team made before moving out of the Dangerzone was the 1st installment of Rock Action Radio, streamed directly from the Rock Action web site. The show ended up going long, but we played some killer music. Most of the chatter was drunken, incoherent nonsense, but that’s par for the course. I encourage everyone interested in doing something like this to get off of your asses and do it. The best thing about it- free. Anyone interested in how we did it can get in touch with me. I know shit about computers, but was able to figure it out, so… All you need is a microphone, a record player, a computer with a decent sound card, the Real G2 Producer, a web page from most any server, and a give ‘em hell attitude.


I’d love to be part of a pirate station, but I live nowhere near, well…people! It would be worthless, but I encourage all of you street rats interested to get it together. Punk rock needs greater sharing of punk rock music, and less sharing of punk rock politics. I also read that the FCC has agreed to give out smaller liscenses, but you’d probably have to sell your left nut to get one.

Zine Chatter.

Rock Action #6 is out- $1.50ppd. Columns about Hitler, Muppet Fucking, Rock and Roll Sharks, and bent societies. Interviews with Smogtown, Piranhas, Clone Defects, and the Commies. Fuckin’ get it already.

Alright! Until next month, keep your powder dry. In this fabulous world of guns, knives, and dope, it just doesn’t pay to stay sober or rational. Lookin’ for danger.

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