Columns - "Friday Night at the Death Club" 03.28.01

Friday Night at the Death Club #7
By: The Policeman Liking It

Pro’s and con’s, the good and the bad- I just boil it all down to that, good and evil. I have a problem with waking up in the morning. It’s not as bad as it used to be, though. I have a lot of anxiety. Every morning I wake up and my mind just takes off, thinking about all the shit I’m going to have to deal with during the day. I like to be asleep, or drunk. Don’t laugh- it’s actually a serious problem.

Pro has a P in it, so that’s "positive". I always thought that "con’s" were negative, but were more interesting- like Clint Eastwood in Escape From Alcatraz. A big thing with my parents when I was growing up was always to be "goal oriented." The other big thing was "pro’s and con’s." Lists, whether lists of goals or to make decisions, were very important. Whether one kid whom you wanted to hang out with would be a "positive" influence or a "negative" influence. Organization was very important. Make decisions, figure out what you want, and achieve these goals. It gets way more complicated as you get older though, I say.

This is where it starts getting really complicated for me. First off, I don’t think that anyone has to do anything. Who cares? That though, presents a problem, because with that attitude I have realized it gives people a license to do things that are counterproductive, stupid, and wrong. Unless you win the lottery and just sit around for the rest of your life, live with your parents forever, or kill yourself, you have to do things- something. Unless you just wake up, shit, shower, eat, and then go back to bed, you’re doing something. Hi- I woke up today, watched TV, and went to bed. And ate pizza. Is that enough?

I used to think that was it. That was until I spent some time doing only that. Woke up, ate, began drinking, went to sleep. I’d sneak in a band practice or I’d write something here and there. But basically, I didn’t do anything. I was just a punk rocker; liked to get loaded and hang out- I was a victim. I hated everybody except myself. No one got it. No one could see what was really going on. I was misunderstood. I was alone on an island screaming. Nothing’s changed, except I’ve been doing a lot more shit and I’m renting a car and I’m gonna’ drive around in it and try a change of scenery on for size. So fuck it!

Friday Night at the Fight Club.

Around the time of my last column, the editorial element here at Blank Gen, commented that I was Blank Generation’s "resident Tyler Durden." Please allow me to explain. I am very, very good looking (Like Brad Pitt), have rock hard abs (like Brad Pitt), and I starred in Legends of the Fall, though you might not have recognized me as I had grown my beautiful blond hair long for the movie and rode a horse; which I thought of. The original screenplay called for me to ride an ATV, and my father was going to be played by Sinbad. I was also Brad’s "shirtless" stand in for the new film Snatch. He gained a little weight, plus I already had the tattoos, so I got the call. I tried to help him with his mushmouthed accent, but no matter what, he just sounded like he was mentally retarded. Note: The big guy with the flat top from Snatch and Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels is an ex-English soccer player who was once punished for grabbing a hold of another players nads during a match. In more Snatch related news, that feeding to the pig’s part of the movie is such a copy. Hannibal (the book) came out a long time ago and had the same shit. This director of Snatch just married Madonna, so the paparazzi better hope that he is not a copycat in other areas, or they are due for ass kickings.

Punk Rock Bands Are Lazy.

Being a great punk rock band has to do with a lot more than influences and clothes. It’s 2001, and it’s time to give the Clash and Thunders and AC/DC thing a break. We all know about all of these bands. Gearing a band towards a particular group of people is really sorry. All of the truly great bands have weird audiences. Hanoi Rocks’ audience for example, was made up of rockers, punks, skins, and your regular Joes. To achieve a universal power with music requires a lot more than a pair of leather pants and a spikey hair cut- it takes talent, great songs, and a lot of effort and perseverance. The modern shelf life for a band is less than two years. What can you really accomplish in two years? Once the ball really gets rolling in a new direction, poof, it’s all over with. My Dad was actually right- people these days care only about instant gratification. Why concentrate on putting together a really great band when you know no one will notice anyhow? Just start a band exactly like one that’s already been a proven winner! You’ll get tons of pussy. And you’ll be pleased with yourself.

I’m not trying to be funny. You people are not fooling me. How else would you get girls if you weren’t in some forth generation textbook "totally rocking" rock band. You wouldn’t! You’d be some little geek that has no excuse for flunking out of community college. "Well, I couldn’t make it to class much due to extensive ‘gigging’ and ‘jam sessions’. It doesn’t matter, because we’re going on tour anyway- next summer." The band will be broken up by then though; stiffing all of the folks who booked shows for them on this tour. "But don’t worry," Rick Rocker assured the promoter, "I’m starting a new ‘project’ with one of the guys from Solar Powered Werewolf. Yeah, they broke up- their drummer quit and moved to Texas to become gay."

I really feel that the biggest curse of punk is the notion that you’re not supposed to play well. It seems that unless a band is some metallish hardcore band, or one of those new fangled punk/cock-rock bands, it’s ok to not play well. And I’m not saying shred like Eddie Van Halen- I’m talking as a band. One band practice the week before a show doesn’t cut it. This especially goes for all of you folks over 20 that still insist on being in a band because "that’s what you do", though your notion of being in a band is sitting around drinking 40’s all day long and wearing stupid outfits. Not gonna’ cut it.

Huey Lewis - Sports.

Not many people into rock and roll are into sports anymore. It’s kind of a shame. Sports is a really pointless way to accomplish a couple of things. First off, once you have a team to support, and you know what’s going on with them, it gives you something to get behind. This is great practice for selfish fuckers (like people in bands) that don’t recognize the need for "team concept" within a band. It also can be a hell of a lot of fun screaming and yelling at oversexed, overpaid, oversized babies as they run or skate around smashing into each other. I personally like doing things that I enjoy that have no point. That’s the point. If you’ve ever fucked with a rubber on than you do too. Taking away the procreation side of it, sex is nothing more than a pointless, cheap thrill. It fulfills a desire. Sports fulfills my desire to express my civic pride, my heritage, and my desire to watch people beat the fuck out of each other. It’s simply the way of the world.

In the past, tons of bands and performers were at one point or another involved with sports, either as a player, spectator, or both. Elvis and the Memphis Mafia were always playing sports- high. Prince was a talented basketball point guard in his younger days, and John Couger was also into basketball- he even attended Bobby Knights’ Indiana Hoosiers basketball camps. Johnny Ramone is a huge Yankees fan, and the list of English bands that enjoy soccer is quite long. Lately though, it’s the rap fans that seem to support sports the most. There’s a reason for this.

Most sports are decidedly working class. Even something more high brow sports like horse racing always has a bunch of poor motherfuckers throwing down money trying to get un-poor on a horse. Soccer in England was a very working class pastime, though a big complaint I’ve heard about it is the abandonment of the working class fans by the clubs. Here in the United States, let’s face it- most punk rockers are generally from well off educated families. Or they have some education. There isn’t really a working class in this country anymore anyway, and poor people are not listening to that much punk rock- they’re listening to hip-hop and following sports. Rap music, not rock and roll, is the music of the streets, and white kids looking to be considered hard, or simply without a strong identity, are taking on this predominately black rap/R&B culture. It’s not really their fault- with all of these spoiled, white, lazy bands just going through the motions, it’s no wonder there isn’t more converts.

Dig it.
Don’t forget the joker,

PS- I found 2 joker cards in Golden Gate park recently. I picked them up. They had been forgotten. Someone must’ve been headed to a no- joker poker party. I’m just sitting here with Amanda looking for a job and someone that can drink 5 40’s of Colt 45 with while listening to solo Stiv records. I very much think that Stiv suffered from a lack of Youngstown, Ohio blues like me. Stiv went to my rival catholic high school. Fuck him.

© 2003