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Ed: Coppens' didn't send me an introductory rant for this round of reviews/column, so, uh, fuck all you fucking pussies and your gay ass fucking haircuts. Coppens will roundhouse kick you in the groin, you fucking posers. So here are some reviews, and send Matt some records if you want his opinion and shit...

Army of Jesus “Book Bomb” 7”
New release from Austin, TX’s Army of Jesus on Chicago’s always rad Criminal IQ label. I actually had the great opportunity of hearing these recordings months before Darius of Criminal IQ had them pressed to vinyl and I knew at first listen that this would take Army of Jesus into a whole new realm as these songs are nothing but aces. Recorded by Stan from Signal Lost, this shit’s pink and raw as an uncooked chicken leg and it sounds great and I hope it gives you all salmonella poisoning at first listen because you schmuck bastards don’t deserve records like this anymore. Anything but safe, predictable, or cookie cutter punk. This is envelope pushing, toe crushing, sac-slitting hardcore punk-rock played fast and with wild abandon by a group of pissed off miscreants from a state where corporal punishment and execution is not only the norm but is also encouraged. Every song gets repeated listens in my household and every song rages ten times harder than most junk shoved in my face on a daily basis. Once again, Darius and CIQ deliver the goods. Keep it up or you’ll be hearing from me personally, fuckers.(MTC)
(Criminal IQ Records// www.criminaliq.com)

Bill Bondsmen s/t 7”
As many of you out there that actually condescend to read anything I write know, I’m a Michigan native who now resides in Chicago, Illinois. That said, I feel I have the right to tell you the honest to God truth: Michigan fucking sucks! It’s a boring shitty state where there’s hardly anything to do outside of dinner and a movie and there are hardly any good bands coming out of said state these days and that’s been the case for a long damn time now. For years upon years shitty forgettable MI bands would roll through your city to play shitty forgettable tunes to you while posing and literally faking it the whole way through their limp-ass weak-ass sets. Well, not the Bill Bondsmen. The Bondsmen are one of the most real and honest bands on the face of the planet. Hailing from Detroit, MI, comes the Bill Bondsmen with their sophomore effort here on John Evicci’s Acme Records and if this fucker doesn’t rip the tits off a bitch there ain’t a record out there that will. Recorded once again with Jim Diamond at Ghetto Recorders we get five pissed off tunes of pure Midwestern humor, alienation, hate, and rage all done up with a sarcastic style of intellect that leaves this nut job grinning through the night. This time around though the Bondsmen have really upped the ante and improved on their already excellent songwriting and have actually developed a sound that’s truly all their own. Great ripping hardcorepunk that the rest of the crowd really needs to start latching onto as these guys aren’t getting any younger and have proven with this record that they’re easily one of the best bands in modern punk today. Top ten material for sure. Get this record or die an unhappy torturous death!!!(MTC)
(Acme Records// www.acmerecords.net)

Brain Handle s/t 7”
I fucking hate burnouts. But more than that, I hate people who LOOK like burnouts. There’s just something very disheartening about looking at such a waste of human flesh as your stereotypical burnout. The guys in Brain Handle however, are an exception to this rule, though only due to the fact that these burnout looking motherfuckers aren’t just burning out, they’re actually playing some very good fresh punk-rock far better than most bands who have plugged in a guitar in the last four or five years. Mark my words, fuckers. These guys bring it all to the table. There’s a definite hardcore/punk influence and musically on some songs an eerie resemblance to the Adolescents or Black Flag but inside all that you’ll find a definite pshyce/rock n roll/stoner rock influence, whether it be done on purpose or by accident and guess what? It fucking rules!. Four catchy tunes of awesome new punk-rock straight out of the Iron City. Required, as are all other Fashionable Idiots records so far.(MTC)
(Fashionable Idiots Records// www.fashionableidiots.com)

Formaldehyde Junkies s/t 7”
Geezus fucking Christ! This record fucking KILLS it! Brand new four song 7” by the already infamous Formaldehyde Junkies and it whizzes by at literal warp speed. Faster, shorter, sloppier, and even better than their excellent debut record, these kids are obviously the new band out there setting the standard for all other young hardcore/punk bands to follow. Released on the band’s own Fashionable Idiots label. This time around I hear more of a Japanese h/c influence than on their previous release which adds much strength to their already Black Flag/Minor Threat/Poison Idea-ish influenced sound. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If you’re becoming or have already become bored with most or all modern hardcore/punk you need to pick up a Formaldehyde Junkies record as these kids are a breath of fresh air. Unrelenting four song 7” that comes in at around the three minute mark. Awesome. Looks like this band plans on keeping pretty busy so be sure to catch them when they steamroll through your shitty little town.(MTC)
(Fashionable Idiots Records// www.fashionableidiots.com)

Holy Shit! “Jazz Phase” 7”
I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve seen these nuts play live, but guess what? Nearly every time I have witnessed them in action they’ve been the wildest, craziest, most intense, most in your face band on the bill and you know why? Because these guys are punk as fuck and they can’t even help it and probably don’t even know it. I know everybody in this band personally and these guys are honestly unable to turn it off. What you see is what you get and what you get ain’t too fuckin’ pretty, bub. Anti-social, hardcore to the bone, weird as shit, hardcorepunk trash thrash that’s probably better off locked up in a fucking mental institution. Like a sped up Black Flag in the midst of a very bad alchol-soaked acid trip. Even more consistent than previous recordings. You like punk? Probably not, but if you think so you need some Holy Shit! in your life. No shit.(MTC)
(Trigger-On-the-Dutendoo// trigger.on.the.dutendoo-at-gmail.com)

The Jury “I Hate the Future” 7”
I didn’t know a thing about this band when I stumbled across their record at the local record store and I still know very little about them other than the fact that this is one of the best most off the wall hardcore/punk records I’ve heard all year. With a singer that has one of the best screams I’ve heard since John Brannon or Chris Erba and a tight-as-a-teeny-boppers-pink-pussy band pumping out fast as hell and well-crafted songs in a very similar vein to Negative Approach or Poison Idea but zooed out on caffeine pills and Coca Cola, and eyes bloodshot from too much Comedy Central. Apparently these guys just played my neck of the woods and I missed it and yes, I am slamming my own nuts in a drawer over it. A very impressive debut 7” from a very impressive new band. More NOW, please!(MTC)
(Gloom Records// www.gloomrecords.com)

Mutant s/t 7”
Apparently this was band was stumbled upon by the dude who does Schizophrenic Records on accident while he was on a recent a trip to Japan. He was obviously floored by the band and apparently a short time later he released this record. This record came to me in the mail via Paul Schlacter of Noncommercial Records solely because Paul was also floored by this band and insisted that I hear it, and I can’t tell you how glad I am that he sent it as this is right up my alley. Catchy fast Japanese American influenced thrash that honestly doesn’t let up for a second. Not unlike what the great No Side were doing in their prime, but much faster. Eight songs that I can’t pronounce and each one is a definite keeper. Into Japcore? Get on this shit! Fuck.(MTC)
(Schizophrenic Records// www.schizophrenicrex.com)

Upstab “With Report” EP
Here’s the fucking mother of all motherfuckers, motherfucker! Cleveland, Ohio’s infamous Upstab return with their second official 7” ep co-released by Even Worse Records and Way Back When Records and just when I didn’t think these jerks could rage any harder they release a 7” consisting of five raw as fuck balls and asses to the walls crazy as all shit raging early 80’s American influenced hardcore that totally blows their previous recordings the fuck away. Blown out production and screaming vocals accompanied by unrelenting punk-rock played in a similar vein to that of Urban Waste. Lyrics included this time around and they’re pretty much guaranteed to ruffle up a feather or two, but I’m pretty sure that doesn’t bother these guys one bit. Awesome record played by one of my most favorite bands in years. Upstab is on a temporary and perhaps permanent hiatus and this very well may be their last record so jump on this one before it’s long gone and you’re forced to pay $50 on Ebay, suckers. A+.(MTC)
(Way Back When Records// rmzwetsloot-at-zonnet.nl)
(Even Worse Records// www.geocities.com/evenworserecords)

Windpipe s/t 7”
Long overdue debut record by Ohio’s Windpipe, recorded way back between 1991 and 1992 by Thuggy Bearbomb of the Crunky Kids in the band’s practice space, and it is raw as all hell. Featuring members of such notable Cleveland h/c bands as H-100’s, Apartment 213, Confront, Ringworm, and Darvocets. Fast as fuck Japanese influenced punk thrash similar to that of Infest. Not quite as essential as most records these guys have all played on, but definitely a good record and a very interesting documentation of what was to become Cleveland h/c. Co-release between the always great Noncommercial Records and debut release by Chris from Upstab’s SYG Records (Stomp Your Gonads). 300 pressed and apparently almost completely gone.(MTC)
(Noncommercial Records// www.noncommercialrecords.com)
(SYG Records// bhits1-at-excite.com)


Ed: That's all for now. Until next time, remember, Matt Coppens probably hates you...

Contact: freakodepresso-at-hotmail-dot-com
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