Garbage Can...a newish feature in which one lucky staffer get to sift through the dregs of the TB head office and see what comes up. Will it be their lunch? Or a hot new band that has slipped through the cracks? Every update, one random TBer will be assigned the task of reviewing as much crap as I can stuff into a box. This month's victim...Mr. Scott Soriano. Stay tuned to see who gets ten pounds of crap in a five pound LP mailer next...
Remember junk mail? Junk mail are those glossy pieces of paper that come through the post, advertising things such as laundry detergent and politicians. Sometimes you get lucky and there is a sample packet of hand goo or mustard for you to play with; but most of the time it is boring junk mail. Occasionally, when I am sorting the days mail – making a pile of good mail and a pile of junk mail – I muse that it would be really cool if every once in a while there would be something interesting in the junk mail, like a half assed, whacked out handbill from a fringe politician or an advertising circular dedicated to items that make your crippled pet’s life easier.
Doing critically acclaimed and artistically influential “publication” such as Terminal Boredom puts you in the position to receive much junk mail. However the junk mail we receive comes on little silver discs and emits sound. Some would call it noise pollution in the truest sense of the word, but we look at it as someone’s attempt at saying, “Hey! I am here! Please help me!” I mean, a CD sent in for review is a CD that at least deserves recognition, even if it is unsolicited and as interesting as the brochure from Republican candidate for State Assembly Sixth District Patrick Sneed. So I will attempt to inform you about this small pile of junk mail we have received. Since you can’t hear it yourself I have decided to give you something else to put your mind around: I will rate these as if they were the pieces of paper that come through the mail, just to land straight in the recycle bin.
The Duane Peters Gunfight s/t CD: SoCal punk in the grand tradition of the White Caps. Sober and commercial and pissed off in a way folks on a reality show are mad about their lack of food choices. The most interesting thing about this is that it is proof that Duane Peters hasn’t dropped dead. Junk mail rating: Detergent ad (no sample).
Famous in Vegas – "Peace on Earth" CD: The cover shows a man playing a guitar. He looks like someone who is pleased that he just got a shit off after a week’s constipation. I’ve seen this band live a thousand times under a zillion other lame names and so have you. It is nice the way the guy’s voice cracks when he tries to "sing" sing. The song title “The Devil Stole My Beer” should tell you everything else you need to know. Junk mail rating: Non-glossy car detailing flyer.
The Bustups – "They’re Airborne" CD: Swedish ska. Junk mail rating: Supermarket ad announcing a sale on milk.
Dutch Dub s/t CD: Twenty years ago this would have been slagged as bad new wave. Today it is bad indie bedroom drum machine pop. Either way, it is bad. Junk mail rating: A coupon flyer for a free liter of soda with the order of two large cheese pizzas.
Blackloud – "6th 6th 6th" CD: As interesting as you can imagine a dude flashing dual devil horns can be. Junk mail rating: Have you seen this child?
Lethal Aggression - "Return of that Crazy Robot" CD: I keep on wanting to add “… and boy is he pissed!” to the end of that title. Why? Because these dudes are! With song titles like "Reefer Girl", "Change Your Ways", "Goin’ to a Funeral", and "THC" how can you go right? Junk mail rating: Curbside pick-up day this Friday handbill.
Interference – "Everyone’s Right About Everything" CD: Imagine a TV show about bunch of Christians on a cross-country road trip in a Dodge Neon. Junk mail rating: Ed Finbuck for Water District mailer.
Renee Heartfelt – "Magdalene" CD: Heartfelt by what standards? Cynical hack draftsmen who design strip malls? Song titles: "Picasso", "La Seine", "Mary Magdalene", etc. I count two synchronized punk jumps, one emphatic guitar thrust, a dozen head bobs, and a gaze at the shoes per song. This is the worst possible music imaginable. Junk mail rating: Cellular phone service ad.
The Graves Brothers Deluxe – "Light" CD: Not bad, but I think I heard a NPR Weekend Edition segment on these guys. “Punk rock” for “grown ups” (i.e. They dig gypsy music). Junk mail rating: PTA meeting notice.
V/A - "A Little bit of Me, A Little Bit of Neil: An Indie Tribute to Neil Diamond" CD: Sixteen bands prove that some ideas are best left unexplored. Fucking horrible. Junk mail rating: Pennysaver circular.
Kalmex & the Riffmerchants – "Electric Bukkake" CD: I think this is what happens when you are raised on King Diamond, Schlong, High Society magazine, and Sesame Street. They get points for having a one minute-plus intro to a six minute long song and being able to laugh at themselves. The song title "Pig Family Gangbang" probably tells you more than I can. Great cover art of a cyborg rocker babe. Junk mail rating: Hand lotion ad, with sample.
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